Little but Fierce

 

We survived the first week of school.

My baby boy is growing up. We are sending him out into the world for the first time, essentially alone. We will say good-bye to him every day until one day he goes off on his own, for good.

I feel pride, but I also feel fear. I cannot choose his teachers, and I cannot choose his playmates. I know that is real life–but I can’t help but worry. My son is happy. He is friendly, confident, smart, and increasingly empathetic ( “I think the dinosaur is sad because he can’t find his egg.” “I think the boy is happy because he is getting a present”.). My biggest worry is that he will be in a situation that will dampen his spirit–that one bad teacher, or one school bully will make him question who he is.

Still, we have taught him. We have taught him to share, and care for others. We have taught him that he can’t always have his way. We have taught him to be proud of who he is. And I hope that we will continue to build a relationship with him where he feels that he can tell us if something is wrong. I hope that he will be himself no matter what. That when he wants to follow, he will follow those who have kind hearts and strong minds. That when he leads, he will do so with innovation and respect. That when he is alone, he will be comfortable in his own skin and know his own mind.

I know, I know. He is only four. But it starts now. I couldn’t be prouder of my kid, and I always want him to feel the same way about himself.  Deep down, I know he will do great. He will climb mountains and fight dragons and love life. If he falters, we will help him. The thing that drives me craziest about my kid is also the thing I love the most–his energy and strength.

To paraphrase Shakespeare, “he is little, but he is fierce.”

Grateful. . .

freedigitalphotos.net

. . .for my comfy bed.

. . .for the sheets on my bed.

. . .for my pillows.

. . .for my pillowcases.

. . .for my big, soft duvet.

. . .for my duvet cover.

. . .for my bedroom that is cool in the summer and warm in the winter.

. . .for sleep, and nighttime snuggles.

 

The Minimalist Challenge

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Back in January, I wrote about our family’s decision to buy nothing new for six months. Behind that choice was a goal to become less materialistic, instill in our children that things don’t bring happiness, find alternatives to supporting sweat labor, and to have time to analyze our spending habits and boost our savings.

I have been dreading writing this follow-up, which is probably why it is two months late. I suppose I should just come out with it–we pretty much failed.

I think I did a decent job avoiding new purchases for myself through those six months. There were a couple slips, which I wrote about here, and situations in which I had no choice but to buy new, which I wrote about also. However, I have to say that sticking to this goal as a family was a major challenge and pretty much didn’t happen.

I hate to point the finger (another reason why it has taken so long for me to write this), but basically, though this was a goal of mine, it turns out my husband was not equally committed. I very much wanted our children to get used to not being randomly given gifts, because I wanted them to know that surprises don’t have to be material and that love is shown much better through quality time and acts of service. My husband, though, is a giver. It is important to him. He is not as drawn to giving experience gifts as he is to physical ones, because he believes that something material can be enjoyed for longer. He has a point, to an extent. When he buys toys for our children–not just any toys, but toys they really love and enjoy–he gets to watch them experience it over and over. Whereas a fun outing is over in a matter of hours and all you have at the end are the photos. I get it, I really do. I would much rather collect experiences than things, because that is just what I happen to value, but I didn’t feel right asking my husband to change the way he shows love to meet a challenge that was only important to me.

After a few months of nagging and snapping every time he came home with something new for one of the kids, I just gave up. I didn’t think it was worth straining our marriage to get him to conform to my way of doing things. I do feel pretty strongly that our children should not get whatever they want, (my daughter doesn’t need every My Little Pony and my son doesn’t need every Transformer) but the Hubby and I have agreed to disagree. I have counter-acted his enthusiasm for gifts by reigning in what the kids get from me.

My husband bought my son four Transformers that he had really been wanting for his birthday (a month after the challenge was over). This is not a gift I would have chosen, at all, but instead of going out and getting some kind of educational or creative toy for my son, I simply let the Transformers stand on their own. My husband likes to take the kids to get Slurpees at the end of a long walk, and while these are not material treats I still think they can lead to kids being spoiled. So I have decided that when I go out, even if I feel like picking up a couple of bakery cookies  or some chocolate covered peanuts for the kids, I refrain. And will continue to do so until they stop greeting me at the door with choruses of “What did you get me?” and “Treat!? Treat!?”

As promised, I have done some digging into where to buy ethical goods, and will write my findings up in a separate post. While I will continue to favor thrift shops for now in order to stick to our budget, there are some great companies out there that socially conscious people can feel comfortable supporting when it comes to buying new.

So, that’s it. The conclusion to our Minimalist Challenge. It didn’t go exactly as I expected, but then again, what ever does?

I Am a Deviant

I found this Facebook meme to be highly offensive.

Deviance. The word conjures thoughts of something sinister, but in actuality, there is nothing bad in the definition of deviance. It means, simply, to behave in a manner that does not conform to social norms.

Why is it that we place so much emphasis on living our lives according to the same values as the majority? I think it’s because as a culture we look to “normal” behaviour as a compass for morality.

When it comes to matters that are relatively small in scope, like being an omnivore vs. a vegetarian, to tattoo or not to tattoo, socialism vs. capitalism, both sides poke fun at each other. Though there may be some disdain, it seems like we can all agree to disagree.

When it comes to larger issues, like gay rights, polyamory, child-free living or atheism though, things get really heated really fast.  A small but highly vocal faction of the majority tends to get up on their moral high horse and tell everyone else that because others are not living their lives in a traditional way, there must be something wrong with them. I know there is backlash from the side of those who do not conform to the norm. Who wouldn’t lash back when most people around you assume that because you are not making the same choices as them, you are some kind of freak?

After all, if most everyone is doing it a certain way, then the way you’re doing it must be wrong. I wish I was exaggerating this point, but in talking with people who value going with the mainstream, I hear the same thoughts echoed over and over.

Homosexuality? It’s just not normal.

Fostering romantic relationships with more than one person? That just isn’t right.

Choosing not to have children? It goes against nature.

Atheism? Everyone believes in some kind of god.

I’m here to say that not only am I okay with the choice to wander off the beaten path–I support it. 100%. As long as you are not abusing or exploiting anyone with your lifestyle, then by all means–have at ‘er. Because I truly believe the source of so many of the major problems in our society is the decision not to question the default.

What do you think caused the economic downturn? People not questioning the societal belief that debt is not only normal, but necessary to life.

Why do you think our landfills are drowning in trash and the atmosphere is thinning? Because of the unwavering commitment to materialism and “progress” above the welfare of the Earth, our home.

Not to mention the fact that so many things that we once considered “normal” and “moral” are now looked at today as archaic at best. Think about our recent history where women were not allowed to work or vote, interracial couples were prohibited from marrying, and working on a Sunday was against the law. Norms change all the time. Those who deviate are simply ahead of the curve, or don’t care about following it at all.

We cannot force people to live their lives within the confines of society’s currently approved boxes. We should all be free to swim against the current.

Ask anyone who knows me and they will say I’ve never been “normal.”

I’m not ashamed to say it: I Am a Deviant

What Will You Do?

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” – Mary Oliver

Is it bad that I’m 28, and I have no answer to this question?

I thought I knew what I wanted to do at age 16. And while helping those in need will always be a part of my life, I have had a terrible time finding full-time work in my field. So, my options are: 1) Get a Masters and trust that that will boost my employ-ability. 2) Re-train. But in what?

If I go the Masters route, it will be two more years of school until I am a registered Social Worker. I would be building on my current education, setting myself up to actually make decent money, and doing what I’ve always wanted to do.

If I retrain, the possibilities are endless. Yoga instructor? Paralegal? Birth Doula? Massage Therapist?

Then there’s the possibility of doing something short-term, until Hubby is done school and working full-time, and then getting my Masters once the kids are both in school (just two years to go). In the meantime I could do photography, try to break into the freelance writing market, or pay $200 to get trained as a security guard and do that. I think this is the option I’m leaning towards.

It’s important to say, though, that just because I don’t know exactly what career path to take, doesn’t mean that I have no idea what I want to do with my life right now–today. There are a lot of things I want to do that are not at all related to employment.

My List:

• Tackle debt
• Get a tattoo (or two)
• 

  http://www.checkoutmyink.com/tattoos/foolishginger/tattoo

  

  http://www.contrariwise.org/tag/shakespeare/

• Cultivate new relationships
• Teach my kids all about the world
• Pick up my guitar again and learn to play somewhat decently
• Learn a winter sport (this is Canada, after all)
• Improve my photography
• Work on my book
• Give back

So these are my goals. This is what I will be doing with my life, while I figure out what I should be doing with my life.

What about you? What will yo do with your one wild and precious life?

Mission: Get a Life

One of the things that has been lacking in my life is local friendships. I have acquaintances, but it seems like their lives are already pretty full and it’s hard to cross the line from “friendly” to “friend.” I have great friends I’ve known since childhood and high school but they live a few hours away, and with the kiddos and work and my other responsibilities, it’s hard to see them as much as I would like.

What I want, more than anything, is a couple of people that I can randomly call up to go grab a drink or see a movie or go for a walk. I call my long distance friends and we have great conversations where we laugh and spill all, but it’s not the same as a physically being with someone.

A couple weeks ago I went out of town to visit my friends for a week while weaning my daughter, and it was fantastic. We had so much fun, I always had company, I had people to chat with and be my crazy self around, and it made me realize: I want this all the time.

Moving back isn’t an option right now, though I would love it to be in the future, so my other option is: find friends here.

But how do you do that as an adult? My place of work isn’t really full of people that “get” me or who I really click with. I don’t belong to a gym, and it’s hard getting to know the neighbours. After searching through the “strictly platonic” ads on Craigslist and coming to the conclusion that A) most people do not understand what platonic means, and B) I am way too paranoid to meet someone off the internet that way–I have watched too much Dexter–I thought meet-up.com would be a better way to go.

I am now a member of three groups–a photography club, a french conversation group, and, the group I am the most excited about–a group for 20 and 30-something “girls”. The first two pique my interest because it would be fun to meet people and work on my photography and French skills, but the girls group just sounds like a blast. They have barbecues, they party, there’s a book club, they play sports. Anyone is welcome to join, and there are a lot of members. I am pretty hopeful that I will click with at least a couple of them.

I need a social life again. I feel like I’ve spent the last four years in hibernation mode as a mom, and now it’s time for me to come out and rejoin society. They say that two close friendships can increase your life satisfaction as much as much as a big fat raise, and since the big fat raise doesn’t seem to be happening any time soon, friends it is!

Cross your fingers for me! What makes life worth living is the people you share it with.

An Open Letter to the Church

I read an open letter to the church from this blogger, and I liked it so much that I decided to write one of my own.

Dear Church,

My heart is broken.

It is broken because I have sat and listened as you lament the fact that young adults are leaving the church in droves, never to return. That 80% of christians, once they become young adults, leave the faith. Forever. My heart is broken because you don’t understand why this is happening. It is broken because you believe you are powerless to stop this.

Church, I need to tell you the truth. It is a hard truth, and one that will sting. You will likely close your eyes and plug your ears and stick your head firmly in the sand, but it needs to be said. Please listen, church, when I tell you that you are losing your youth because you are hurting people.

I am broken, Church. I have tried to live by your rules my whole life. I have swallowed everything you have told me, whole. I have read your books and listened to your music and attended your conferences and camps. But you have failed me. You have failed me because when I have questions about certain aspects of what it is we are supposed to believe, I am met with anger. Silenced. You have failed me because when I research certain issues, and my sources go beyond The Bible–and maybe even challenge it–you treat me as though I have done something criminal. You are hurting me with your absolutism. You are hurting me with the insistence that the Bible contains all knowledge and any knowledge outside of it is false. You are hurting me with your focus on controlling the personal morality of everyone around you while ignoring the ethical implications of that behaviour.

You are hurting people. Please stop obsessing over morals and consider, for a moment, ethics. Before you act, before you speak, before you lash out, think less about the value judgement you are placing on the behaviour of others, and focus instead on what it is that will do the most good for the largest number of people. Instead of trying to control who marries who, and insisting that there is no such thing as being gay (yes, I recently had this conversation with someone), shift your focus to all the gay teens who have grown up listening to your lies and your judgment, and have become so tormented that they are plagued with thoughts of suicide.

Consider, for a moment, all of the knowledge that we have now. The fact that our knowledge has expanded and our understanding has expanded–shouldn’t our thoughts about life expand accordingly? Science is not your enemy. It is nothing, except fact. If you believe in God, and that God is truth–should you not believe that ALL truth is God’s truth? That if evolution is scientifically sound, that it is God’s? That if homosexuality is, in fact, an inborn trait, that God is responsible for it?

Women in the Bible were treated as chattel, church. Blacks and Jews were considered cursed. Slavery was acceptable and encouraged and normal. Yet we do not do these things today. Not in our society. And we don’t do them because we have evolved. We have grown. We have changed. We have realized that, despite the Bible supporting these horrible practices, it would be immoral for US to support them.

Don’t you see the parallels? Don’t you understand that we cannot base all of our thoughts and beliefs about who deserves rights and love and acceptance off a book that promotes these things? Please, for your sake, I am asking you to see. I am asking you to understand. I am asking you to open your eyes, and uncover your ears, and take your head out of the sand.

You are losing us, church. Please. Abandon your ignorance and step into the light.

It’s nice over here.

Songs of Life: Lifestyle Photography Round Up

I like photography.

I like all the little moments it captures, as well as the big ones.

My favourite thing about photos is how they freeze moments. There are things that we would just plain forget if they weren’t recorded on “film.”

I also love music. I think of life as having a soundtrack–it would be hard for me to think of a significant memory, feeling, or experience that didn’t have a corresponding piece of music.

That is what the Songs of Life photography group is about. Every couple of weeks a group of photographers and I will be sharing moments of our lives with you–capturing photos inspired by different songs.

This week’s piece? Here Comes The Sun by the Beatles. If you want, you can click the link to listen to the song while you look at the photos. I can’t wait to see everyone else’s submissions.

Here are mine:

My kids, enjoying life in the sun.

As it should be.

***

Check out the next blogger in the round-up, here!

Grateful for Increased Awareness

When I heard about the factory collapse in Bangladesh, I was heart-broken, but not surprised. The issue of the abysmal conditions of sweatshops has been close to my heart since I was a child, back when I genuinely believed that I was effecting change by boycotting Nike. As an adult, I see that this issue is far more complex than the boycott of a certain label, but I am so glad that what has happened in Bangladesh has increased consumer awareness of the horrendous human rights abuses that we have been supporting in the name of fashion.

I found out today that H&M has agreed to sign the Bangladesh Factory Safety Accord (along with Dutch retailer C&A, and Zara). While we still have a long way to go, and while it is certainly plausible that this is being done in order to diffuse the bad press these corporations have received in light of this tragedy, I don’t care what the reasons are behind doing the right thing as long as it gets done.

People all over the world have begun standing up to these corporations and demanding change, and I hope that this will continue. I long for the day when it is flat out illegal for developed world companies to operate unsafe factories anywhere, but we are headed in the right direction.

I read a post today over at Deeper Story, that explores the ethics of fashion. I did not agree with every point made in the post, but I did agree with the overall message–that when we buy something made by means of exploitation, we are just as guilty as the companies who are doing the exploiting.

Another point made in the article is that consumers all but force retailers into operating sweat shops by being unwilling to pay high prices for merchandise, and that our willingness to pay more would result in better work conditions for those in the developing world, followed by the idea that if factories in developing nations were to close, or if we were all to refuse to buy from large corporations, people in countries like Bangladesh would have their only income taken away.

There are several reasons I take issue with these latter points.

One, it is nearly impossible to find a major clothing corporation that does not employ the use of sweat labour. Whether we are paying $5 for a shirt or $95, chances are if it was purchased at the mall, it was made in a sweat shop.

Two, these corporations make enormous profits. They do not have to increase our prices. The solution lies in taking a hit to their profit margin in order to provide safe work conditions. I am well aware that the purpose of a corporation is to make money, but they need not do it at the expense of the lives of those who manufacture their goods.

Three, the trickle down effect is exactly that–a trickle. There is no reason why an employee should be working in such terrible conditions for wages on which they care barely survive, and I actually believe that there is no reason for them to be working for large multinational corporations, period. I believe that it would be far more effective if those of us in the developed world made an effort to help stimulate the local economies of poorer nations so that they can work for themselves.

For example, KIVA micro loans offers the opportunity for us to provide a $25 loan to someone in a third world nation. Once enough $25 loans have been provided, that person is able to increase their productivity and operate a thriving business. In doing so, they no longer need to ship their goods overseas to be consumed by us, but can afford to sell to their neighbours. They can employ members of their local community and spread the wealth within their own nation. The repayment rate of the loans is more than 98%, and once a loan has been repaid the lender can either take their money and walk, or reinvest in another company in order to help someone else. This method has potential to make the world a better place all around.

When those in the third world are given the tools to improve their own communities and no longer need to work for companies in North America and Europe, those companies will have less motivation to base their factories in the third world and can resume employing members of their own countries–which I’m sure we can all agree would be an enormous help to our failing economies. The environment is also protected by this model, because goods are not being shipped all over the globe and polluting our atmosphere. Win-win-win.

I am not naive enough to believe that it is just that simple, or that the entire world will be changed by this model. But I do believe that we need increased innovation to ensure that not only are we buying from companies with ethical practices, but that we are taking care of our global brothers and sisters and our planet in the process.

So while we are a long way off from where we need be, today I am grateful.

Soldier on.

Keep voting with your dollars.

You are being heard.

The Problem With Christianity

The problem with Christianity, is that it falls at a place where our greatest desires intersect with our greatest fears.

It seeks to provide answers in a way that leads to the stifling of our questions.

It presumes that we can know God, while at the same time telling us that when we don’t understand we should just have faith.

The problem with Christianity, is that it tells us we are bad. Flawed. Depraved. But that God loves us anyway. And because He loves us, we should strive to be perfect. And then it tells us what perfect is.

Perfection is living life on the straight and narrow. It is loving our neighbour as ourself. It is following a long list of rules that are supposed to make us better–that are supposed to prove our love for God. And this is the key to redemption–giving up all the things that make us human, because life on earth is a blip on the radar but we will be rewarded in eternity.

The problem is, we don’t know what eternity is like. We don’t know what will happen there or how we will be suddenly changed into perfect beings who no longer have to suffer or struggle or strive. So we hang all of our actions and hopes on something we have never seen. Just like we have never seen God.

The problem with Christianity is that it gives so many people carte blanche to behave in ways that are reprehensible. It gives us the ability to ostracize entire populations of humans simply because they are in the minority and because there are some verses in a thick, old book that we can use to prove we are right. The problem with Christianity is that The Bible can be used to justify anything–things like slavery, war, cultural genocide, executions, homophobia, sexism, racism and exclusion of the disabled.

The Bible itself says that the power of life and death are in words,  and the The Bible is full of dangerous words. It tells us that someone who has sex before marriage is deserving of a violent death. That if we hear God tells us to kill someone, we should do it–even if that person is our own child. That certain people are second class citizens. And that if we don’t follow it to the letter, we could burn.

How can we possibly hope that those messages will not drown out what is supposed to be a central message of love, when it gives us so much ammunition for hate?

The problem with Christianity, is that the story of God is separated into two books. The New Testament seems to be about love and tolerance, about not prizing rules and religion above people. But the Old Testament is rife with stories about God himself commanding the brutal murder of sinners, refusing to accept worship from those with disabilities because they are “unclean”, and about the hundreds of things that we are forbidden to do if we want to be acceptable in the eyes of the Almighty.

How do we reconcile those two stories? How do we believe that a God who would have had us be stoned to death, or drowned in a flood, or turned into a pillar of salt for stepping out of line is the same God who would willingly come to Earth to show us how to love?

It doesn’t matter that the Old Testament laws only apply to those of a particular tribe in a particular time. A human is a human–if any of us had been born then and there, we would have had to live under a rule that I can only categorize as tyranny. It’s easy for modern day Christians to ignore the Old Testament and say that we are no longer subject to those standards, that now we have grace, but I’m not so sure. Because if God is God, He is the same one. The heart of Him is the same. The rules may have changed, but He hasn’t.

The problem with Christianity is that, for something that is supposed to help, it has caused so much hurt. Historically. Literally. Not just in the Bible, but in our recent past. People have been burned alive. Women have been subjugated. Nazis have blamed the Jews that killed Jesus and African-Americans have been sold like chattel. Children have been taught, to their very core, to feel shame. Men and women have lived with guilt for making decisions they thought were right for themselves. Loving couples have been denied the right to be recognized.

I have heard it said, time after time, that these atrocities were committed by people, not God–I get that. But there is a book that people are using to justify hate. And that is a problem.